On Not Wanting To

On Not Wanting To Bloom Where You Are Planted by ParadaCreations Im here at the Coffee Shop on a Wednesday, and I should be happy. See, Wednesdays are reserved for me, my writing, a yoga class, and the afternoon in a coffee shop, which I appreciate and enjoy more than I should (I cant help it, I hate the word should but its totally appropriate here). I dont know if its the rainy/sleety weather here in NYC after a sneak peak of spring, or the ridiculously relaxed state my yoga class put me in, or the fact that I forgot my headphones and have to listen to That Guy make his business calls 3 feet from my facebut Im cranky. And tired. And I just dont wanna. So I complete my requirements of the day, which is really writing a guest post, tweaking an already-written article for another guest post, and responding to an interview for another blog. I look at the emails I can respond to, but it seems like an effort to even craft an answer. I open my book proposal and think of diving in, but its too tough to get my brain to work. I look to catch up on my blog reading, but my mind is going a bit haywire and I find myself skimming, not reading. Heres my conundrum. Do I sit here for another hour or so and write because Im supposed to? Because its Writing Day? Do I stay in the coffee shop because its a treat, even though it doesnt feel like one today? Do I give up and take a nap, because sleeping seems to be the only thing that appeals to me? Instead, I release the shoulds and the supposed tos and the plans, and ask myself what I want to do now. It inspires me to write yesterdays post, and follow it up with this one. Huh. Thats writing. Sneaky. Now, Im thinking of finishing this post and what I want to do next. Im thinking of packing up my stuff and heading home, and I smile. But what to do once Im there? I see myself going to the computer and responding to emails. Blech. I see myself sitting in my comfy chair and reading the paper. Better. I see myself setting the alarm for 15 minutes and shutting my eyes, playing some Ingrid Michaelson in the background and letting myself drift. Best. I know, then, that Ill open my eyes and feel refreshed. But if I dont? Then I will grab that paper, or call that friend, or work on my Right Brain Business Plan with its markers and its non-linear funness. I think of taking it easy, and how its still productive. I sometimes trick myself into thinking otherwise.